Anger

When my anger over takes me

It's not something I want you to see

I just want to hide

I want noone by my side

For things I shout

That should never come out

To kids and adults the same

Forever I will be ashame

When the tears start to flow

I just have to let go

Cause it's to much to bear

But I should never share

The things that cause my rage

I leave in a cage

Until they get set free

For all the world to see

All bottled up inside

Wishing they died

Before my anger sets in

And my rage will begin

I don't like my anger

It makes me feel like I'm a stranger

So again I try to hide

And bottle it inside

Raising My Grandchildren

Let it be known that in today's society that many children are being raised by their grandparents.  How is this fair?  How are we suppose to enjoy our lives after we did our part to raise our own?

Let's face it, we are not as young as we once were and the thought of going through this whole process again scares the hell out of us.  I'm talking changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night, and chasing toddlers around. Come on, we already raised ours!!  Let's not forget that if the parents don't step up before to long, we are going to have to put them through school. REALLY?

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my grandchildren with all my heart. There is nothing I would not do for them but raising them takes on a whole new meaning.  What happened to let me spoil them and send them home?  Unfortunately, that doesn't exist anymore. The reason being that most parents today are losing their kids to abuse, neglect, or drug use.

Let's elaborate on the drug usage.  Far more children are being taken because of this reason.  The parents are so out of control that not only are their children suffering but their families as well.  I, myself, am living this nightmare.  I am raising my two grandsons due to drugs.   I have four children of my own, to which all but one are over the age of 18.  My grandsons are one and three.  It's like I'm starting over.  It's not the child's fault.  That I am very aware of  but how on earth can so many children be put out because of drugs? What in the world has happened to our society?

I would think that if I were to take a poll at this time,, thousands of grandparents would come forth and tell you the same story as mine.  My child is an addict and I am taking on their responsibility as a parent.  Not just their children but their financial part as well.  We have to play grandparent/parent.  It's not fair to the child or the grandparent.  Grandparents all across our great nation have had to change their whole lives to rear these children.  Most I'm sure have probably had to come out of retirement, take on part-time jobs and seek some sort of help to help with the aid of their grandchildren.

It's a very sad and cruel world that we live in.  To think being raised to grow up, get jobs, and raise a family and see that our children did the same is no longer an option.  Instead what we were taught, the family values, have all been thrown out the window into a world we no longer recognize.  A world so sadistic that one generation is being swallowed into it.  How unfortunate.

I sometimes feel so alone in this matter until I look around and realize that so many grandparents are going through the same thing.  I know this sounds bad but sitting in the court room and seeing others somehow makes me feel better. I shouldn't say better, I should say "joined in an unwanted situation" because even though we are not alone, we don't want to be here either.  The feelings that overtake you are phenomenal.  You are scared, anxious, nervous, bombarded, and just feel "dumped on".  To say anyone truly accepts this is an understatement.  We are a generation of freedom.  Free to travel and do whatever we want.  At least we thought.

Where is the justice in all this?  You can send them to rehab and recovery for their addictions but the damage has already been done.  The kids are tossed about like rag dolls and the grandparents are tossed in a sea of craziness. So even if, and only if, they recover and rebuild their lives can the damage start to heal and repair itself.  From what I have seen, it is very rare.   I would love for every child, parent, and grandparent to have their lives restored but let's face the facts, this can't happen to all of them because so many lives have already been lost. That my friends is the reality.

As I stated above, my daughter is an addict.  I am raising my grandchildren. This is not our first rodeo. She recovered, got an apartment, and a job,  only to reconnect with  the children's father (whom is also an addict) and together they let everything she worked so hard to achieve fly right out the window.  So here we go again.  At what point do we say enough already?  Like I said before, I love these boys and would give them the world but what part of my (our) world do get?

IF you are a grandparent and are raising your grandchildren, please know that you ARE NOT alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers that one day your lives (all included) will return to the normalcy that we once knew.

You Talking to Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't you ever wonder exactly what someone is thinking?  People often tend to hide what they really think but sometimes all it takes is an expression on their face.  Although they may deny it if you ask them, that look says it all.

Most people don't have a problem telling other people what they think or how they feel.  I on the other hand am not like that.  I tend not to like hurting someone's feelings or making them feel insecure about things. I find myself having a hard time telling people about themselves.  I do, however, find it easier if someone continuously makes me feel attached.  Other than that, it's not that easy for me.

I often wonder, if because of how I am, if people can really tell by my expressions how I feel or what I am truly thinking.  I do believe I hide it well but one never knows for sure. How many times have you tried to hide the way you feel?  How about what you are really thinking?  Isn't it funny?

I just wish sometimes that we could all be honest about things. Honestly it's hard because people take things the wrong way or get so offended that you just try to keep the peace.  Crazy huh?

Birthday Excitement

My grandson just turned three this week.  It was such a thrill to see how excited he was at his birthday party.  He was smiles all afternoon.

He walked around talking and greeting people with, "Sing Happy Birthday to me.", which was so cute.  He was so appreciative of anyone willing to take part.  He loves to sing it to everyone who has a birthday, so to him, this was a huge deal.  After all, he could sing this since he was one.

Then, the theme of course, Paw Patrol.  They were everywhere.  Banners, balloons, tableware, and even the cake. His all time favorite show.  He even got a birthday call from them.  How cool is that?  A call from your favorite characters, can't get any better than that.

Next, the gifts!!  Why oh why did mom start with those small ones?  He was so focused on that huge box. That's ok though because those smaller packages were everything and more.  Yes, more Paw Patrol and his other favorite M&M's.  How exciting for him.  Not only did the people who love him the most show up but they gave him all his favorite things.  What a great day for him.

As a mother and grandmother, watching these little ones have a great day and truly appreciate it, is what it's all about.

Thinking

 

Do you ever wonder what goes on in the minds of our little ones?  What could they be thinking?

Our little ones are precious and we should never underestimate them.  They see things, hear things, and learn things far more than they should at times.  We sometimes forget just how absorbent their little brains are. Sometimes forgetting they are within ear shot of harsh things being said or within eye shot of bad things being done.

Why is it so hard for us adults to remember how fragile our precious gifts are?  We wonder why as young adults they say and do things that we don't like.  Well, "HELLO PEOPLE", they learned all these bad habits from us adults. We simply just can't go around spouting anything and everything that comes to mind or going around doing whatever we please with no consequences.  Little eyes and ears are learning these behaviors.

Personally, I would like to think my precious little ones are thinking about what toy to play with next or what book he wants to read.  Maybe he's thinking about what he wants for a snack while he watches his favorite Thomas the Train episode.  Heck, maybe he's thinking about how much he's enjoying his first ride on that train.

Please remember no matter what your are doing, these babies learn from the ones they trust the most.  It's ultimately up to us to their innocence as long as we can.  There's no need for them to grow up so fast.  Life is moving way to fast so let's preserve these moments while we can.

Intended

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting here thinking

Instead of out drinking

How could things be different

And how my life got so bent

It sure isn't what I intended

And I'm really offended

By everyday living

That wasn't so giving

I dreamed of bigger things

And not just diamond rings

But happiness and love

From the man above

Sometimes I think he doesn't like me

Even after I get down on my knee

For nothing ever turns out right

But yet I still fight

I do believe I'm a good person

Even if I'm not the one chosen

To be great on this earth

And more than I'm worth

For you see

I'm just me

A human in disguise

Behind my sad eyes

Bucket List

Ever wonder where the term "bucket list" came from and exactly how it came to be?

Definition of bucket list

1. 
   
   :  a list of things that one has not done before but wants to do before dying

Origin and Etymology of bucket list

from the phrase kick the bucket (to die)

So after looking up this information, I now know exactly why it is called a bucket list.  I never in my wildest dreams would have put that together.  Not that I'm slow, just that "kick the bucket" never entered my mind.  It all makes sense now.

Have you ever thought of making a bucket list? I, myself, have not.  I guess I just never thought about it. However, life is short on so many levels.  One never knows when exactly their time is up, so why wouldn't you just live everyday like it was your last, if that's the case. I mean, seize every moment of every day without hesitation. Why wait until you hear the news of doom?

Unfortunately, everyday life doesn't just throw us opportunities to do things that one might put on such a list. Let's face the facts, life can be challenging enough on a daily basis. Not alone trying to accomplish something out the ordinary. So why should we be compelled to make a list of things that may be impossible for us to accomplish to start with?  Of course, this is just my opinion and I guess there is nothing wrong with dreaming.

I must say though, for all you bucket listers,  don't just live to dream and dream to live.  Go out there and conquer your list.  Make your dreams come true.

Hanging Out with Mawmaw

I absolutely love spending time with my grandchildren.  Let's face it, some days you just need a good dose of huge love in small packages and believe me, it's well worth it.  Especially if you've had a bad day or just need a little touch of freshness.

One of my favorite things is when they first come in and they are so excited to see you.  Oh wait, at least for that split second because then they realize that they have full reign over the house and well, you just don't exist anymore. After all, they know what they can get by with, which in most cases at grandma's, is A LOT!!    Come on, we all know that's true, they melt our hearts and we just let them go.

My oldest grandson seems to think that hanging out with mawmaw means full total control of her cell phone.  I made the mistake of letting him watch cartoons on it while we were dining out one evening and that's all she wrote.  Since mawmaw doesn't have cable, he knows that a day with me means, phone.   Which for me means, no phone and good luck calling and getting through. I really don't mind, it's almost a needed break away from it anyway.

I wouldn't trade my time for one single minute. I can't think of a better way to brighten my day when I need it the most.  Those little hugs are the best and if it means giving up a phone for a few hours then so be it.